I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmingly terrible.

I had given a so-so presentation last Thursday, with a subpar poster that the instructors told me I would have to resubmit. I had spent the entire weekend managing an event for over three thousand students and their parents, only to be called out afterwards for running away when they had wanted me to stand up and be recognized at the after-party. I had had a minor panic attack during my 2.051 quiz (the one worth 40% of my grade!) on Monday, and completely failed it.

I had presented a module for Randomites last night, and had absolutely fucked myself over.

At this point, I am a mess.

Some of it might be pride. In this past week, I have done so many things that I have tried to be proud about — the poster, the event, the quiz, the module. In every single instance, I’ve somehow screwed it up. The poster was so lacking that it would have to be redone. My work with the event was overshadowed by my need to not be acknowledged at the after-party. I completed, at most, 25% of the quiz because I really could not do any more and that module for that thing I care so much about? One of the audience basically stood up and said, “No. You’re completely wrong about what you just said. I think you’re just bullshitting”.

I couldn’t defend myself in any of the cases. I couldn’t tell the professors how little I had understood what they wanted, couldn’t explain to the person calling me out that I have an incredible anxiety around public events that necessitated leaving the room that quickly, couldn’t explain to my 2.051 TAs that I really was in no emotional state to take a quiz that day and couldn’t tell the resident that, while I appreciated her telling me that I really was misinterpreting the module, I would have preferred she wait until after I had finished what I was saying instead of cutting me off mid-sentence, since the crux of what I was saying still remained relevant despite the earlier gaffe.

At this point I am completely exhausted. My confidence is shot to hell and my emotions are amok, and I’m sitting in lecture bawling my eyes out because I cannot handle this stress.

I’m done with this place. I am so done with this place. It’s lovely and supportive and so intellectually stimulating, but the wonderfulness of it only makes me feel like I’ve failed when I am feeling everything but, and in a place full of strong, supportive people who can see all sides of the conversation, I’m an exposed wire that needs to be cut.

One Response to “Something F@#king Awful”  

  1. 1 Nomen Hominus

    Actually random, non-randomite, person here. I don’t know, somehow your words compelled me in some random way. I feel this needs to be said:
    You are going through shit -quite a lot of it it seems. The event is over, the class might not end up going so well, and someone didn’t get your angle and you’ll never get to redo any of it. Yet, that doesn’t mean you’re a stripped wire that needs to be cut; you can’t cut the wire without breaking the circuit. Instead, you will find a way to re-cover that wire, make it stronger and not exposed to the elements which may cause it to short out.
    That’s where you can find value in all of this. You /will/ get through this eventually but it /will/ suck, things probably won’t all work out in the mean time, and it’s quite possible that other failures lie in wait in the near future. But you will see the other side of this – that’s just how these things work. The tale of how you make it through is what will ultimately matter the most and what you can use to help others going through the same shit find their way.

    Don’t know where that came from but good luck!